Note: There are affiliate links in this article. My opinions are my own. Purchasing from these links sends money to fund my writing with no extra cost to you.

One day before I leave for my honeymoon and I am so ready!
Most girls dream of the wedding day, I couldn’t wait for my bachelorette and honeymoon.

Being the sexy diva that I am I have been stressing to make sure I have enough boudoir and sexy items to make this trip the ultimate sexy honeymoon.

I wanted to pack and prep for a vacation that meets full adventure status, while also setting the bar for the future of our bedroom habits.

Let me tell you, the wedding was stressful because of all the moving parts to manage, but packing and getting ready for the honeymoon has made me into a preparation monster, riddled with thoughts of lace and garters.

Part of the honeymoon is in Hangzhou, China where I will meet up with my Jamie love and connect with some old acquaintances. Weather in China, cold, just like West Virginia. Then we will set off on the official honeymoon leg of our trip to Thailand!

Two Years ago in Hangzou, West Lake area.

You can see where the packing can get overwhelming here right? Pack for cold, pack for summer. My friend Fran scoffed at me for having three pairs of just heels, I didn’t even tell her I had boots in there too!

Besides the shoes, there were certain things I absolutely wanted to pack to make this trip extra sexy.

I am twelve hours from leaving and I have:

This honeymoon planning and execution has been a total nightmare.

Nothing that I planned as far as lingerie pulled through. Yes, I could just have ordered it all online and it be fine, and yes I did do that, but this has been one ironic situation after the other.

Let’s start with the panties. I was after something easy and yes I wanted to just go shopping like a normal girl and buy some regular g-strings since I know that’s what my man likes. I wanted to avoid shopping at Target and Victoria’s Secret, but as the hour’s tick by I am considering this decision.

My friend and I took a whole Saturday to drive up to Pittsburgh and search for some sexy panties and we left the city dumbfounded and confused. Not one pair of panties to be found. We did, however, get hurdled into a strange texting war with a shop owner.

We found this amazing looking boudoir shop, it was so fancy that you could make an appointment, but today they had hours for public walk-ins. The photos of the shop made it look so dark and mysterious and I was ready to buy me some leather or lace. We arrived and found perfect parking out front. The storefront itself looked sexy. Dark trim on the wood and decked out in holiday sparkle. The open sign swings in the wind and I excitedly grab the handle to go in… except the door does not go in. It stays. It’s locked.

Confused I ring a bell; we had just finished visiting some jewelry shops and I got used to the idea of ringing a bell for entry. No answer. My girlfriend and I look at each other and laugh. I call the number on the door and there was no answer but I get a text saying “Sorry, I can’t talk right now”. Assuming this is the shop person I text back asking if the shop was open. A frantic ring later and the owner calls me back apologizing that her girl must have left her post and that she is away and isn’t able to help and that I should text her employee to let us in.

In a half-hearted attempt, I do and there is no answer for a while. My friend and I turn around totally dazed while I keep getting a text from the shop owner about who to email and call to get into the store. I texted her back and simply said “this is stupid. I just wanted to buy underwear”.

Though the sexiest store was a bit of a bust (we will want to go back, we will just make an appointment next time!) we went on to another store in Shadyside. My friend and I pull up and right in front again and we are still hopeful for something.

As we walk in my confusion builds and all I see around me are plates and crystal bowls and Vera Bradley patterns everywhere. I gently and kindly ask the gentleman behind the desk about “I heard there was lingerie here?” He directs me to upstairs and we venture on. I arrive upstairs and yes there were some nice classy $100 teddies on the rack but nothing that matched the racy honeymoon in my mind. Certainly, the lace things that look like they came straight from target that said “Bride” bedazzled on them for $75 was not my cup of tea.

The gatekeeper of the lingerie “upstairs” popped out of a corner and I expressed to her how difficult it was to find any lingerie shops in Pittsburgh. I asked (maybe a little exhausted) if there was anywhere else to go. She got defensive and she said, “hopefully here”. Awkwardly I put down the teddy and left, no Vera Bradley bras for me.

I felt like a deer in the headlights. How is it I left a big city with no panties? Not one shred of lace. I did have shreds of cheese from the taco place we ate at, but no lingerie. Feeling dumb, like I just drove past the circus without seeing the massive tent in front of me,

I consulted my friend who inhabits this pantiless town and she confirmed that she too had the same troubles when she was getting married. For a moment I thought maybe I was too stoned to use google search, but it’s true, Pittsburgh has no underwear.

****

Recently I have tried to become an ambassador on Instagram and I got connected with some kinda scammy feeling (but they’re not really?) clothing brands and I bought some thong bikinis from them. This was way back on December 10th and I had already done some exploring of thong bikinis online and figured if this brand give me discounts or money or free clothes back then why not give it a go? So December 10th I placed my order and waited.

And waited.

And another week.

And December 23rd my order shipped!

And I waited.

And waited.

And another week.

So again, I am ten hours form leaving now (my phone just asked me to check in!!!) and I have no thong bathing suits!!! I tried contacting the company and have had no reply and I know that no store in town has thong bathing suits available. I know because I’ve already checked a week ago. My last hope is to wait until noon when the mail arrives and hope and pray to god my bathing suits are in there!

****

Since the lingerie in Pittsburgh debacle I quickly hopped on my computer and scoured the internet for the sexiest, but affordable, but durable, and actually nice, but maybe a little pricey lingerie dreams.

I’m not sure if anyone else shopping online ever feels like all the websites look scammy? Since ordering bathing suits from Australia and not having them arrive I can’t seem to trust any online ordering.

After hours of searching the web for crotchless panties and thong bikini bottoms I completely give up the search. So exhausted and overwhelmed looking at the same, but different prices, bras and underwears and bodysuits. Even Victoria’s Secret’s webpage looks like a scam to me and I just don’t trust it.

I sleep on it one night and wake up with my resolution.

A few months back I came across a really sexy and classy lingerie company that I absolutely adored and I decided to just order from there.

I tried all the google searches to try and find this website again and I just could not find it. Thinking sharp I went into my browser history and looked back a few months and finally found it! I click I go and I shop! After a quick three hours of drooling over these outfits I make a decision and get a bra and panty set and threw in a garter belt to complete the look. I splurged again on priority shipping and sat back and waited.

I was surprised to see the order already processed and was ready to ship after just a few hours. I was feeling really good at this point, I may not yet have a bikini, but I’ll have crotchless panties! Two days later I check the tracking number and it said the package was still waiting to be dropped off. I began to panic and decided just to wait another day and I’ll still have time. It was coming from New York, so it should only take two days anyway.

Later that night I checked the mailbox and much to my surprise my package came already! I gently rip open the bag and in rich purple paper was my new bra and panty. Excited I hold them up the light and turn them around and stare in awe. Finally, a win!

*****

I loved my Chacos. My first pair had disappeared and I was so happy two years ago when I bought my second pair of these sandals.

They are practically boots with straps on them and they are excellent for any adventure.

I recently bit the bullet and set my Chacos back to the company to have them resoled. With all the dreams of hikes and hot adventures in the jungles of Thailand were starting to buzz in my head.

A few days later I get a call from the Chaco shoe elves and they sadly inform me that my shoes are beyond repair and what would I like done with the body, I mean shoes. I hesitate and say “donate them please, so they can live on with someone else’s feet one day”.

My attempt of even my shoes went down the tube.

(I did remedy this by stopping at the local outdoor store and bought a pair of new Chacos from Max! Woo)

Other than just getting the right lingerie and shoes I have been getting my body ready. With daily workouts, trips to the sauna and secret trips to the tanning beds. At the end of each day I sugar-scrub my body and lather it up with thick lotion so when Jamie touches me he’ll think he put his fingers into a butter-dish. The  he’ll look at me in my thong bikini with my perfectly already tanned body and fall in love all over again.

Pop the dream bubble and let’s boil down to what’s really happening under this comforter at 9am the day before I leave for the honeymoon.

My body is fifty shades of red, just on my ass. Literally, any shade from neutral skin to red as a black cherry can be found on the very averagely sized surface of my rump. My boobs decided to burn from tit down and sternum up to leave a perfect stripe of red under my breasts, which I just discovered an hour ago is now peeling. Every time I move my body my skin pulls and feels dry and tight even though I feel like I’m laying in a pool of Nivea I am so overly moisturized.

I have no thong bikini, no thongs, no garter, no bodysuit and the pasties I found at the local shop were so big they became bras, so I am pastyless too. (The local shop did have some fun toys. If your a local, check them out!)

Really, I am not worried at all. My bag has been packed for weeks already and everything is set to go (I just checked in!).

I pray my bikinis will come in the mail today along with my garter belt and maybe after some sugar scrubbing my boob will stop peeling and after not tanning for three days maybe my butt will be one color, or at least ombre.

Either way, I’m about to see Jamie for the first time in two weeks and in one fashion or another, my cheeks will be red anyways.